Love Letter and Goodbye
by Steve West on January 13, 2011
I had a very strange thing happen to me this morning. Overnight, I had a dream that featured my ex-wife, Betsy. I told Brenda about it and wondered what the image of Betsy represented in my subconscious that made me wake with such a clear image of her. After Brenda left for work, I called up Google Images and on a whim entered Betsy's name. She was a professor at Gallaudet University and was involved in some research studies at the time of our divorce but I had little knowledge of her activities since then. I had hoped to find a link that would give me a notion of the current happenings in her life. I got a hit on the first page with her smiling picture and clicked on it to take me to the article. It was her obituary notice. She developed lung cancer that took her life in November 2010.
Stunned, I read the entire notice with teary eyes. I love my wife and children and wouldn't change a thing about my life - but how I feel about Brenda now, I once felt for Betsy. Our divorce was entirely my fault. It was one of those "I love you but can't stay married to you" kind of partings. I had hoped at the time that we could reconcile because my feelings for her were unchanged. I worked hard to improve myself in the hopes that I would be found deserving of another chance but in the process, as time passed, I met other people, one of whom was Brenda, and my life went in another direction. I had some occasion to see Betsy before that but out of respect to Brenda never initiated any further contact with Betsy.
Betsy and I were married for seven years. In that time she was a wonderful wife, supportive and loving. She never did a thing that caused friction in our marriage. In my immaturity, I undermined what we had and take complete blame for its collapse. What makes me saddest is that she knew she was dying. And for reasons I may never know, chose not to reach out to me during her last year. I'm not mentioned at all in her obituary despite being married to her for more than 1/10th of her life. I don't begrudge that so much as view it as a reflection of my own failings and it causes me to despair.
Did she or her siblings (who wrote the obituary) not think I would want to know? Did they think me undeserving to know?
I've never stopped loving Betsy. She helped make me into the husband I am to Brenda today. I've never repeated any of the mistakes I made the first time and I'll always give her the credit for that. I don't know how to contact her family to offer my condolences. I don't know how receptive they'll be to the notion of my own grief. I just want to know where she was interred so I can say goodbye.
Ten Replies to Love Letter and Goodbye
Steve West | January 14, 2011
Thanks, man. I think I'm in a good place about it all. I'm calling the most likely cemetery tomorrow and see if they'll direct me to the gravesite. That's all I need. Although I'll still send a note of condolence to her mother and siblings.
Steve Dunn | January 14, 2011
You've bumped up against some sad inexplicable facets of life. I know it's hard and I feel for you.
I don't believe you were 100% at "fault" for your divorce, though. Nothing like that is ever so simple. Bravo for growing from it, but just as its important to forgive others their failings, forgive yourself as well.
Scott Hardie | January 14, 2011
We all grieve with you, my friend. Life can go a million different ways. That it has made you a better man is something to be grateful for.
Lori Lancaster | January 14, 2011
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Steve West | January 16, 2011
To paraphrase a great poet, one of life's greatest mercies is the impermanence of memories. Some memories lose their shape and form faster than others. Details dim and disappear, forever out of reach of the conscious mind. Other memories prove themselves to be indelible - the sound of Betsy's laugh, an instance that caused her to smile at me. Those I'll keep forever.
I just finished writing the most tear-soaked letter I've ever written. The most likely cemetery in my mind had no record of anyone by her name being buried there and a call to the funeral home that held the service informed me that the burial was private and that information could only be obtained through the family. I can only pray that Betsy's sister will receive my letter with grace and respond positively.
Amy Austin | January 17, 2011
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Steve West | January 30, 2011
I received a response letter today from Betsy's sister. She was more gracious than I had dared hope. She seemed genuinely intent to bring some comfort with her words. Betsy was cremated and her ashes scattered therefore no place of interment exists. I feel no need to know exactly where this occurred. She let me know that Betsy was accepting no goodbye visits from anyone. She was taking an attitude of looking toward life and wanted no part of sadness or grief. Betsy always walked her path with grace, humor and kindness. I'll miss her deeply Thank you, Teresa.
Scott Hardie | January 30, 2011
We should all possess such grace when it's our time.
Jackie Mason | February 2, 2011
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Matthew Preston | January 14, 2011
Steve - I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you are experiencing. Just know that your feelings are perfectly valid right now, regardless of what Betsy's family or anyone else might think. I'm here for you if you need to talk or vent and I'm sure most everyone else on the site is too.